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Disappear

Some days, that’s what I feel like doing.

Just taking off to places unknown. Where no one knows me. Where perhaps I could start over my life. Taking the fewest belongings and running.

But…

Every time I think of this, every time this desire to move or to run has come over me these days(especially these days, because earlier days I came really close to just running) I’ve come to the conclusion that whatever it is I’m trying to run away from is going to follow me.

I constantly want to move away from every town I’m in the last twenty years. I figure that if I keep going, if I find this so-called utopia that exists in the back of my mind all would be ok, my pain and my problems would all disappear.

Then I grew up. Or rather I figured it out. I’ve been trying to escape the pain for so long that I’ve thought that running would fix it. A change of place. New people. However, that doesn’t change that just maybe I’m still me. I have some friends. Some they come and go. I can’t seem to keep them for long. Or I keep them as if they were in the back of my pockets and only taken out when needed. Only it’s me that they don’t need.

I’m still the me with the same desires. The same fears. The same tragedies from the past holding me down mentally and often physically. I fall into bad patterns and can’t seem to crawl myself out from under them. For years I ignored them and figured it was just the pain seeping through and all I could do was push them aside, these patterns, try to find a way to muddle through. Be it through cigarettes and alcohol, or through one bad relationship after another.

Part of my reason for writing this is that I feel alone. Don’t we all. We all always feel alone. I have friends who have literally disappeared. Some I’ve grown apart from. Our ideals no longer match, and that’s hard to realize and accept. Others, they just decide they want nothing to do with you because you no longer fit what they need. You aren’t good enough perhaps. I don’t know. I try with others so often that I’ve come to the point of rejection that I’ve decided I won’t try anymore with anyone.

I had so many dreams growing up. The earliest of course being that I wanted to become a successful writer. After that, actress, forensic psychologist and salon owner fell into place one behind the other. The writing was part of me, it became ingrained in me from a young age when I taught myself how to read at a very young age out of determination and jealousy that my older siblings could go off to school and I couldn’t. From there, as my mother would recount, was when I fell in love with the written word. When even the smell of books would makes me happy. It still does to this day.

Books were my escape as a child and even now. When things become unbearable I know that I have different lives that aren’t mine to escape into. Both fiction and non-fiction.

To go back to where I started with this however, I’ve come to a point where I’ve realized that I can’t run away. I wish I could. I wish sometimes I could pack up my kids, my cats and dog, my husband and my many books, and just go. Anywhere.

I’ve yet to find a town that understands me. It could be turned around that I’ve given nowhere a chance.  I’ve given everywhere a chance. Everywhere just hasn’t given me a chance to be who I am.

I’m going to turn back to writing. I have a book I’ve been writing off and on for about two years. About a woman and her experiences with MS but, there’s a twist, a couple twists and it’s not what you’d expect. There have been few to no books or movies/shows that have dealt with MS and I think it’s time.

I need to refocus myself and finish this book. I’ve been afraid of it for so long because some of the tribulations the character goes through are what I have with MS. She’s me, but not me. There are parts of the book and characters that now looking upon them after all this time I think needs tweaking but for the most part, I like the direction the book has been going. I just need to get back to it.

I need to forget everyone who seems to have forgotten about me. That includes friends AND family.

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Quiet Time

That seems to be the condition my brain is operating in. I feel like I have a lot I could write about and at the same time, so little.

Life has been pretty boring lately. At least boring to the general blog public I would assume.

There have been health issues(yeah, big surprise), kid issues, car issues, house issues, school…The list could go on. It’s basically been the usual list of suspects that happen when you own a house, raise two kids and deal with an illness that frequently likes to mess with you.

There is one very big, one very awesome thing going on right now but it’s a bit of a secret. I’m fearful that if I say anything before everything is finalized it won’t happen. So I’m just going to be super happy but terrified for the next three weeks until I get the ok not to be worried.

I could just try to list everything in brief that was my semi-exciting and annoying week that was the last one:

-The heat was a horrendous bitch on Labor Day and I almost passed out at the local fair. Yeah that was fun. My MS then decided to be horrendous for most of the week after that. Add some weird stomach problem where the idea of food made me angry for three days and a mild sore throat. Last week was a blast I tell you.

-The kid’s meds were briefly adjusted for a few days. I say briefly because the intention was there to lower one of them finally but the reaction we had was fairly immediate and extremely frightening and the Dr put him back to the regular dosage. I won’t go into major details but I almost called the cops on the kid and he whipped me in the face with a pair of his underwear. Thankfully they were clean. And all is well now by the way, the Dr. apologized to me for not mentioning there would be a reaction that quickly. ugh.

-I was dealing with some depression issues that stemmed from being sick so much this past few months. It hit me really hard last week and the idea of doing anything but sitting on the couch with a book or at the computer really didn’t interest me. I wasn’t myself and it was really disconcerting. This happens from time to time and I know it mostly kicks in hard when there have been flares from the MS. The depression and flares seem to go hand in hand.

-I keep have qualms about taking the burlesque classes. With everything that’s gone on physically I’m scared silly now about putting myself out there and looking like a total idiot. Though one of the local performers who’s really awesome has been talking with me a bit here and there via message and she’s had a lot of encouraging words in general(that and she read my blog and liked the pets piece). And just knowing that she’s been taking the time to be super awesome friendly with me has just made me crazy happy. I guess sometimes in this world when everyone is often so self-involved, when someone just happens to be really down-to-earth and nice it throws you off. In a good way.

– The election season is just making me boil. I want to leave the country for the next couple months and just bury my head in the sand until it’s over and the outrage(from whichever party lost) settles down. I feel like this country is more divided than ever. Family member against family member, friend against friend. And it sucks. Sorry I can’t come up with a more eloquent word to describe it, that’s really the only thing that pops into my head.

-Amy Poehler & Will Arnett split up. WTF?? I know I shouldn’t be disappointed in a celeb marriage breaking up. But they’re both so freaking awesome(though I’m a huge Amy fan, so I like her a bit more than Will) and so cute together and they’re just hilarious. And it just seems so wrong. Which apparently is the reason why so many news outlets and entertainment sites echoed the same thoughts as mine for the last few days. They’re just too cool together to split up. Fuck. If those two crazy kids can’t make it, who can?

-We went to Michigan for the weekend to see some old friends. Very good friends that we never get to see anymore. And being with them just made my day/weekend/life. I didn’t realize just how much I missed having them around until we were together. Saturday night was much-needed. My favorite part was seeing Josh reunite on (a) stage with Derek. They’ve always been so amazing together and I miss seeing them play since Derek & family have been in Portland. I also forget how much I love seeing Josh play. I don’t get to see his new band play that much due to their inability to schedule a show on a weekend, and my inability to get a babysitter.

My favorite part of that night was late night when everyone(including friends of our friends that I’d never met) hung out around the fire pit and J & D sat there with guitars in hand and sang. It was just splendid and warmed the cockles of my heart.

Es has a best friend in H, our friends son. The two of them just adored each other at first glance. They played a bit when they were toddlers before our friends moved to Michigan. The two of them were attached at the hip for the next 20 hrs. And it dawned on Josh and I the next day in the car ride home that we’ve never seen Es with another kid for so long and not fight/argue even ONCE. Blew our mind.

This weekend made me miss the days before the others moved away from here. I’m just happy we had a chance to really reconnect and decided to make more of an effort in getting together from here on out.

– Es started karate lessons, lessons she won in a raffle at the labor day fair we went to. Hilarious part is that they’re taken in the same building as the gymnastics company that she won free lessons from in the raffle last year on Labor Day. Kid has some insane luck I tell you. She took to it quite well. First one was a private session with one of the company owners to see how she liked it. She took to it really well. Es needs some major help with focusing and body coordination so watching her take to this and actually learn something immediately thrilled me. She also was told to stomp on a board and when she did she broke it in half which stunned and excited her. The woman never told her she might do that. Tonight she ran around yelling “Hiii YA”

-One of my proudest parenting moments occurred the other day when C informed me he’s positively addicted to Dr. Who now. I made him watch an episode the night before because I was sick of him watching One Tree Hill and Smallville reruns on Netflix. That afternoon while I was gone he watched three more and said he can’t stop. Nice. Makes mama proud.

-I discovered Tumblr. I knew it existed, another blogger told me I should try it, so I did. Damnit. This is going to suck up a lot of my life I can feel it. And then I showed my friend Erin. Now she’s mad at me because she too senses this is going to be one hell of a time suck. Oops, sorry.

-Aside from my stupid birthday coming up at the end of the month(I’m pretending that I’m no longer aging) there are two great events coming up in the next two months. One is our anniversary in October. We’re going to another burlesque show and then staying in the city. I’m psyched. We did this last year and decided it should become a tradition.

-The other is I’m taking Erin to see Amanda Palmer in November. I’m excited. I have these crazy mixed feelings about her methods sometimes in her self-promotion, but in the end I love her dedication to the arts, and how free she is to be who she is. She doesn’t give a damn what people think, which is rare in the music business. Also she really does love her fans. She’s also out there with her creativity in a way that can at times be extremely moving, but also frightening. The latter is her new video for her new song “The Killing Type”. In one instance it’s very intense and moving, the other bloody and grotesque. But you can not help but watch it again and again. The lyrics are why. Anyways, it’s my first time seeing her and I just hope it’s everything I think it will be.

Her new album came out yesterday and I was so incredibly shocked with how much I loved it. I know this sounds positively bizarre seeing that I claim myself as a fan. The thing is I love her music but not all the time, there’s never been one album she’s done that I’ve loved the whole damn thing. I’ve never been emotionally struck down by her music as I’d been with this one. Half of it was just so moving and depressing, the other half brought me back to my days of being 16 and dancing at Medusa’s club in Chicago and trolling Belmont with all the other kids like me. I was a bit of a Goth/punk rock kid.  The music she created on this album takes so many amazing elements of the new wave/ punk music that was out during that time, therefore there are songs that instantly transport me back to 16(mid 80’s, let’s leave it at that).

I haven’t stopped playing it the last 24 hrs. It’s been a long time since I’ve done that with an album. A VERY long time. So this makes me more excited for her show coming up, I should probably warn my friend that I may revert to 16 yr old me when she plays a few of these songs. This album makes me just positively love her now instead of having these love/hate feelings.

I also found myself somehow embroiled in a big argument online today over a very incorrect article that has been printed over and over today over how she’s treating musicians on her tour. It’s amazing how much can be so erroneous and misunderstood by so many so quickly. This is one reason I hate the internet. Also the fact that my twitter blew up for two hours as some(including one in her camp) agreed with me and others kept going around and around in a circle.

Today made me miss writing about music. Something I used to love to do but somehow lost my passion for several years back. Today made me think it might be time to start writing about it again, and if I weren’t so tired I’d irritate some more people on the internet and go into detail over this whole debacle.

-I might be taking a break from writing for a week. There are so many things coming up that are going to be taking up my time around here that I need to concentrate on, and I don’t think I need to bore everyone with the details of the cleaning out of our garage.

Until then…

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Twenty Years

It started out with an odd feeling in my legs when I was 18, and then again when I was 20. Sometimes they felt cold, a bit off. Then there were times I didn’t feel myself. I couldn’t put my finger on it.

As a child I had psychomotor(not somatic) seizures. They started when I was one and lasted until I was in my early teens. When I was about 13 I pulled myself off the medications. I just didn’t want to be on them anymore. And strangely enough I had less seizures. Only on a handful of occasions since have I had them.

When I now later had these odd symptoms I knew it wasn’t the same thing. This wasn’t my brain this was my body feeling off. I brushed it off for the most part.
I became a bit more suspicious when the woman who my dad sent me to for the once in a while acupressure session told me she felt a coldness, something dead, within my left leg and left arm. That was what I sometimes felt.

Fast forward about 4 years. I had been an assistant manager at a Pier One. I just turned 24, I had a fantastic boyfriend and I had great friends both at work and outside of. Life was great. Then while climbing a ladder at work to reach a table I fell backwards and hurt my back. I was sent to the ER and under Workman’s comp they ran several tests. My mom looked at me in the hospital and said “maybe it’s time to get that MRI”. So they ran one for safety precautions.

They found something odd. I was told to consult with a neurologist. We found one that had a good reputation and we went in. It was there that I was told that I had MS. I was floored. I’ve never been the person not to be in tune with their body and being the obsessive reader that I am, I research, research, research. I looked up my symptoms on that newfangled internet thing and that’s what I was coming up with. My being floored had less to do with being surprised I had the illness, it was more that I was right in diagnosing myself.

We had issues with this doctor and started going for second and third opinions. The first was at Northwestern with the same Neurologists that worked with me as a child. They gave me the second diagnosis. Yup, still the same. A few months later we decided to go see the famed Dr. Tony Reder at UIC and he performed a few tests including the dreaded bladder test and he agreed with that initial diagnosis.

Now at this time they said it was still very mild. I may never progress very far. The most problems I would endure would be some weakness and fatigue. And they were right. For about 8 years.

It for the most part had followed the part of relapsing remitting. The mildest form of MS.

I was 32. I had been divorced two years and the primary parent to my 5 yr old son for a couple years. And it wasn’t easy. I also worked for my family’s company, a successful building and development corporation. They gave me a condo in one of their developments that was across the street from their main office where I worked for a few years as the front desk secretary/administrative slave(dad, I’m kidding). It was June of 2003(It’s 11:30 at night and my husband informs me I wrote 93 earlier. Which would have made him 14 and our eventual relationship months later terribly wrong), and I had messed up badly at work. I mean super bad. Some personal issues I was dealing with managed to come between me and the job. I was fired. For a week. It was horrible. Having your family fire you is up there on the crappiest thing you can experience scale.

I groveled and they let me come back.

My first day back I was ok but I must have been holding on to a lot of stress and trying to put forth a brave face for most of the day. Which I do often. And it backfires. This day it backfired hard. I went home for lunch.

However as I exited the elevator to my floor it all went terribly wrong. Suddenly everything in front of me started to blur until it went black. I could not see a thing. I managed to get myself to the left wall in the hallway and make it to my place. Thankfully it was a short hallway with few units. I had my phone in hand and managed to find the keys in the darkness to call my dad. I made it inside and sat down crying, explaining to him what had happened. As I sat there in shock he made it over to me and sat with me until things slowly came back into focus. Once I stopped hysterically crying I called my Dr. I really liked this man and he was upfront and sarcastic. Something I like in a person. We also hit it off and he always to this day thought of me as an enigma.

I went to see him a couple of days later and he ordered an MRI. The night before the MRI I was with my then boyfriend M at a Wire concert at Abbey Pub. I think I lost most of my hearing that night. I remember that the next day the technicians asked me if I’d be ok with the noise, and I laughed and said after seeing Wire in concert the noises would be about the same. They really were. And to this day when I get an MRI I just equate the noise to that show, it helps me through it.

A few short days after the MRI Dr. McCoyd called to give me the results. He said yes there were two more small, very small lesions on my brain. But the thing that gave him pause was that it showed that my brain was shrinking. I was in the parking lot of my building and I sort of just sunk to the ground when he said this. Now he went on to explain that this wasn’t uncommon with MS and not to worry too much. Easier said than done. You don’t tell someone their brain is shrinking and then expect them to move along.

I’m a writer. A thinker. A lover of words, books, art and film. Music. I need something that moves me in front of me at all times. There were so many things I wanted to do. My lifelong dream was to write a book, have it sell and be famous. Today I’d settle for 20 people reading this post and commenting on it. I have low expectations these days.

Dr. M put me on Avonex. Now this is where this piece will get tricky, and I may piss off a few people. People who have MS or people who have loved ones with MS.

I don’t like the MS medications. I went on the Avonex for a few months. I made M give me the injections. We had the nurse come and show us how. Now I know he’s reading this and won’t object to the following- we didn’t have the most stable relationship and I’m fairly certain my forcing him to give me the avonex for a while did not help matters. For the record we made better friends then anything and we still are all these years later.

The Avonex felt like death. The next two days I felt like I had the worst flu of my life. The two days after that while I physically felt better I noticed I felt a bit unhinged mentally. And this kept going for a while. I fought with M endlessly.

I would start skipping a week here and there to give myself a rest. It was taking a major toll on me. Within weeks M and I split up. That was inevitable. Like I said, we were better off as friends.

Within that time I met my now husband. I kept going a few weeks more with the Avonex but just could not take it anymore and I stopped.

I felt better. Then Charlie had his first breakdown. He was six. I stayed strong while he was in the hospital but within 36 hrs of him being out I started suffering severe anxiety attacks. Something I’d never had. My body gave up on me once again. I barely made it through.

Less than a month after that Josh decided he wanted to deal with me, my son and our problems and become part of our family. So 4 1/2 months after dating we got engaged. Ten months later we were married. However within that time I was back on the avonex for a short while. Once again I lasted as long as I could and quit. The side effects to me were worse than the MS.

Within four weeks of marriage I had another major flare. It was thanksgiving weekend and I ended up in my dr’s partner’s office. It was a Saturday. The guy prescribed prednisone for me. Only he gave me about three times the amount and within days I not only looked like a giant moon but I was a bitch on wheels. I was horrible. I fought with everyone near and dear to me and caused a friendship I held dear to implode for several months. It felt awful.

I was fine for a long time after that. About a year later we found out Esme was coming. Everything was progressing smoothly. It was a few months after she was born that I started having little problems here and there. I couldn’t walk one day. I got up and my leg went out. Thank god she wasn’t in my arms. My hands would tremor.

I kept going because there was nothing more I could do. But there were noticeable differences.

We moved from our high rise in the city to a two flat in OP Where to get from car to door I had to walk up three flights of stairs each day with infant/toddler in tow. Within a year it hurt me. My legs while feeling stronger in some ways felt weaker in others. They were slower.

One day while walking down from our attic bedroom with Esme in my arms my leg fell out from beneath me and I slid down fifteen stairs. My left leg twisted under me and I sprained my leg and ankle. Three months later I stood up and passed out for 30 seconds. Josh rushed home and I was admitted to the hospital for the night. The doctor expressed his concern that things were maybe getting a bit worse.

However I fought him saying I would never go back on the medications. Too many stories of people who had taken them ending up with worse symptoms, people who then would get prescribed drug upon drug for symptoms that were causing more symptoms of something else. It was a vicious cycle to me.

After this I would say things blur a little for me. Life went on. Too much going on with Charlie and raising a toddler. We eventually bought a house in another suburb and settled in.

After we moved little things kept happening. I would lose feeling in my arm. Then a leg. My eye would blur. I felt like my brain moved slower.

Eventually I found a new doctor, I really like her. She said yes the lesions are there, one more then my last MRI with Dr. M. She understood why I didn’t want to take the meds and said while my flares are occurring more than they used to, I hopefully would never progress much more considering how many years have gone by. Usually people were much worse off by 20 yrs or they would stay as they were. I was never sure whether or not to be comforted by those words.

I haven’t seen her in over a year. Not because I don’t want to but because I have a tendency to try and push aside the illness. I’ve never been one to use it for pity. I’ve never had a fatalist attitude about it. It’s there. There’s nothing I can do about it as far as I’m concerned. I don’t look at it like a death sentence.

Then this year happened. Last November C was in the hospital again. Outpatient for two weeks. But it was rough. And once again it happened before a holiday. He was done three days before Thanksgiving. Once again I decided to be as strong as I could be. Then I went to my in-laws for the holiday. Thanksgiving morning I went to get up and couldn’t. My legs were gone. I whimpered and shook Josh awake. I knew what was happening. I couldn’t move them. They were dead. He’s always been good in dealing with me when this happens. He knew that they would take their time and let me stay in bed. A couple hours later I could at least move. But for the rest of the weekend I moved slowly. I felt like a truck ran over me. I could barely go up and down the stairs of his parents house. And the downstairs is where everyone spent most of their time. If I went down, I wasn’t coming up for a few hours. By Saturday I was ok. I drank a little too much wine that night. And for a few days after we were back I was fine.

It was Friday and I was driving our dog to day camp. Yes doggy day camp. I hadn’t had a lot to eat and just ate a banana and drank some water before we left. It was around 9 am and the kids were in school. I was on the road when my normally car loving dog started crying in the backseat, I tried to calm her when I felt it. My insides constricted it felt like someone was trying to tear my ribs out, everything in front of me was starting to go black and fuzzy, I couldn’t breathe. My arms & hands were tremoring. I thought I was going to die and I hunched over the steering wheel trying as hard as I could to find the closest parking lot. I found the McDonalds parking lot and pulled in. Things relaxed a bit but I thought I would pass out, my left arm was shaking like nothing else. I couldn’t see straight. I called my dr’s office and they suggested I go to the ER. I talked to the nurse for a while and she agreed it could be my MS not a heart attack. I called Josh. He took off from work immediately. The Dr called back and said to just call an ambulance from where I was, I actually laughed and said I couldn’t because I had my giant dog in the car with me. I told her I would try and drive my dog home. And I did. I was ok. But I got home and felt like I was run over. My legs felt like dead weight.

That weekend I could barely walk. Every time I got up and moved around everything felt like it would spin out around me. I spent most of the weekend on the couch. Our dog and cats took turns curling up next to me.

A few days later I felt better and I was ok. But after that everything felt slower again. I was experiencing brain fog worse than ever before. Words I knew before would trip on my tongue. I swear I forgot how to spell. I started dropping things a lot. I broke a couple glasses. I used to be able to type 90wpm. Now my hands trip up and falter on the keyboards. This part kills me more then you could ever imagine.

Then in January I tripped and broke two toes. One worse than the other. The littlest healed immediately. The other one took nearly three months to heal and kept worsening and I was stuck in a boot for eternity. This did not help my mobility issues.

Once I was out we celebrated by taking the kids to the Dells for a day and night. It was spring break. However you were in and out of hot & cold situations nonstop. The walk from our room to the water parks and the restaurants/game rooms was the equivalent of over a mile. I felt horrible that night and barely slept. The next day, even worse. On the way home things were fine. Then halfway home it hit again. The same thing as November. It was the MS hug, it attacked my ribcage, I couldn’t breathe, feel or see. I freaked out, Josh was annoyed and somewhere in Wisconsin we had to pull off the highway.

I’d had another flare. They were getting closer together. This hadn’t happened before.

After that I decided to slow down. I stopped volunteering so much for my kids schools. I said no. I wanted to take it easy.

But the depression and anxiety were taking hold. I was angry all the time. I could feel it building like a volcano. I would cry over everything. This wasn’t supposed to be happening yet.

I already had horrible seeing problems. My peripheral is a mess. I can’t drive at night and forget driving on expressways. Which means my social life has been impossible the last few years.

I was finally angry as all hell at this maddening illness.

However one thing I will never waver on is taking the medications. From my experiences and those from an ever growing crowd of longtime MS patients that I’ve come across on the web, the meds can be more damaging long-term then they are helpful. Then just recently the findings came out against some of the beta interferons and how they aren’t treating people properly. That they aren’t as effective as first thought.

I’m not the same person I was a year ago. I take things in stride. I’ve made really good friends who make me laugh and who make each day go by easier, I’ve learned to let a lot of the old problems go. I’ve learned to relax and try not to be perfect.

This summer has been rough for me. The heat has knocked me down something fierce. Which isn’t surprising considering that Chicago had been in the high 90’s-100’s for nearly two months straight with few if any days of relief.

I feel for my kids as I couldn’t be the mother they would have liked to have this summer. I couldn’t take them to the beach or the pool. I couldn’t take my daughter to the park. Going outside in anything more than 85 is painful for me. And 98 every day? I was lucky to walk those days. Some nights I didn’t sleep. My legs were in pain from the heat and humidity. If I had to run errands that day it meant that I would cry all night while my legs ached restlessly.

It really pulled me down. Twice I lost/walked away from my purse in stores in one week. Nothing was stolen but it showed how bad the brain fog had affected me. My hands didn’t function. Sometimes I felt like things in front of me were hard to attain. This was honestly a hard summer.

The heat has abated. Today it was 75 and windy. I wore jeans. Tomorrow it’s 74. Next week low 80’s. I’m ok.

In all of this I learned a few things about myself: I have faults. And I need to start living again. To stop being so safe like I have the last few years.

It’s been twenty years since this disease really started to take a hold of me. 18 since the initial diagnosis. I’ll be 42 next month and I have yet to really live out my lifelong dream of writing professionally.

I lost so much confidence in my ability over the years due to this.

I started again because my friend Erin and Josh sat me down one night and told me I had to or I’d regret it. So I started this blog. And the more I wrote the more I realized I had so much inside of me aching to get out.

So I’m going to keep writing. My heart and mind are open now.

And I might try and take those burlesque classes I keep threatening to take. I used to dance, I’m still pretty good. I want to put these legs to the best use I can before one day I can’t. You only live once.

I may one day go on the medications, but only if things become unmanageable. Who knows. I know that after this summer I’m going back to see my Dr this fall. It’s time.

However I’ll never stop living my life. And I’ll never let the MS get the best of me. I may some days never be the same physically, but on the inside I promise not to change.

Jen

P.S. This is dedicated to so many people who have been with me through this all these years. Old and new friends/family. If it weren’t for all of you I wouldn’t have made it this far. Thanks. I love you .

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It Must be Tuesday

Bah.

I promised so many wonderful things and this is all you get. If I had a proper laptop with me while in the mountains I would have published the three things I was writing, but by mid last week I decided they outlived their relevancy so I scrapped them. This left me with nothing.

Last week I was also dealing with the come down from traveling and getting my life & house back in order. I made my kids run a million errands. The heat was unbearable again so I damn near held them hostage in the house all week. My husband worked long hours and I was pissy.

To be honest I don’t remember a lot of last week. Most of our plans fell through. And I started watching the calendar with a crazy amount of glee.

The kids go back to school in a week. Yes, a week. We’re crazy here in the suburbs of Chicago. That’s ok with me, I’m done with summer and my kids are bored with me and each other. Today I considered selling them on Ebay quite a few times. The teenager was such a thrill to be around and the 6 yr old found it her duty to scream like a C horror movie actress at every and any chance she could get today. It was just plain awesome. And I even took the little monsters to the local beach(man-made pool that probably every local kid has peed in at some point this summer).

I’m supposed to be up in bed right now but that isn’t happening. I was sidetracked by “this”. I have my son’s HS registration tomorrow. Where I’m going to go in fuming because I dropped the ball and didn’t read his schedule properly when it was sent to me two months ago. Yes, so I’m going to be the asshole tomorrow. See, how was I to know(unless I dig out the long ago stuffed in a drawer course book) that they stuck my kid with ADHD & Aspergers, but who is fully functioning, in all special ed classes despite my calls and our meetings with them arranging he only be in two. Hmmm. So of COURSE I figure this out tonight and have to arrange to have the 6 yr old to hang with her friends tomorrow so I don’t drag her easily irritated self with me while I calmly(snort) discuss(steam) over this with the people at the school tomorrow. Deep breaths, Deep breaths. This is partially my fault, but honestly unless you have the course book nearby(mine was stuffed in a drawer under a million pieces of paper for three months)you could be signing off on anything.

So here we are. Tomorrow will be fun. My kid already thinks I’m a badass. Seriously, he does. He not only thinks I’m the funniest person alive(well I do have a flair for the sarcasm) but also that I’m pretty tough when I need to be. Sounds pretty good to me.

Oh, and I stopped drinking on sunday! Figured I’d give up wine for a few days. Then I started getting awful headaches the last three and decided just maybe the lack of wine was the reason. Is that not sad or what? So I gave in tonight. So yeah, it must be Tuesday. And a cat just walked in front of my monitor because he still thinks it’s ok to climb on the desk while I’m writing. He’s lucky I love him because many of these words almost turned out wrong. Nah, who am I kidding. I can type in the dark if need be.

Other notable things that happened in the last week:

  • Took my kid and her friend to the movies saturday. Brave. Kid has seen it before, didn’t flinch. A half hour until the end I had my kid in my lap screaming and her friend clinging to me for dear life. I had to laugh. During this time I check the radar on my phone because I knew a storm was coming in. I look and it was almost on top of us. We had 30 minutes left to the end, if that. I can’t drive in storms. Rain yes, storms no fucking way. So I’m texting my friend Jess to ask her if it’s coming in, and notice her texting at the same time(cue Twilight zone music). She tells me it’s getting scary out before I can ask if it is. She tells me if it starts to come down she’ll come get us(her kid is part of that us). I kind of ask if her husband can come so my car doesn’t spend the night in the parking lot of the cheap theater. Of course she says. 15 minutes later we walk out to a pitch black sky and rain/wind arriving in a fashion that calls to mind a hurricane. If you heard of the storms in Chicago saturday, yeah this was that storm. Jess and her husband showed up 10 minutes later and she drove my car & us and he drove theirs. By the time we were three blocks from home it ended. All I have to say about this is that I love having good friends out here and one who can damn near read my mind. Took me a while to meet some people who I really clicked with, and once I did I was grateful. You know who you are.
  • I won’t be a snob and say I never watch tv. Hell one of my dream jobs is to be a Tv Critic. I hate however when I pass over a new show and then one day get the dvd and discover it was one of the best shows I’ve seen in a while. The past 24 hrs I just plowed through the first season of Scandal. Soo damn good. So damn good. I honestly can’t wait until season 2 next month. And I love seeing Joshua Malina on my screen. I had a crush on him when he was on Sports Night, The American President, West Wing, and anything else Sorkin has made probably. I know Sorkin didn’t make this, but still. I have a weakness for the kind of geeky type, I have ever since high school. And Josh Malina fits that description.
  • I love Burlesque. Yes I do. And no it’s not the same as stripping so shush. I love the glamour, the comedy and how dedicated the dancers are. Most of the ladies are artists/writers/comediennes/designers. There’s no dancing around a pole. The performances are very thought out, drawn out and the art goes way back folks. And it’s made a huge comeback in the last 10 years or so. I’ve been appreciative of it since I was a teen. Lately, just plain obsessed. We haven’t been to a show since Christmas time. And we’re going to one in late August because two local artists/dancers who I’ve come to admire, who’ve inspired me to want to learn the art, are performing the same night. Can I say the minute my babysitter said yes to working that night I did a happy dance? I did. I cannot wait. And who knows. Maybe this winter I’ll take my lame ass and sign up for that class with Michelle L’Amour’s studio like I keep threatening to do.

;

Ok, my cat won’t stay away from my screen. He’s waiting for me to go to bed. And I think I should.

Goodnight.

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