The last few months have been eventful.
Or rather at the same time, not enough.
Not enough to write about.
I’ve preferred to keep them close to the chest. Too much pain and confusion. Too much hurt.
See, I’ve been going through the worst depression of my life. Yet, I’ve done little to deal with it.
By now most people would have been to see a doctor and had a prescription given to them I’m wary. While I know that some work and they certainly work for my son to a certain degree, I am also acutely aware of how I want to feel and after all these years of feeling pain & confusion I’m not ready to rid myself of those emotions.
I’ve preferred to spend the last few months drowning, but coping. Helping my kids deal with whatever they were going through at school academically and with their peers. Just trying to be there for my husband through very exhausting and stressful times at work.
There has been the usual.
My health issues are always here. They’ll never go away and sometimes they’ll get worse. And lately that’s been the case.
I do try to pretend they don’t exist. Hell this is what I’ve done for nearly two decades. Pretend they’re not here. However lately things have been an absolute mess and I know that they’re the reason for the increase in the depression/anxiety issues.
I could start with the disability filing.It’s exhausting. What you’re subjected to. How to explain to a psychologist in a very short amount of time how angry and miserable you are. And really, you don’t get that much of time to explain this.You don’t get to explain that you have decent days. However those good days are fleeting and you have several hours within those days without issue. But most of those days you’re so petrified of driving because your sight is a mess, and because well, you can’t explain why but you’re driving home from the grocery store & your chest constricts. And the next thing you know you’re gripping your steering wheel, you notice that your feet are tingling, your eyes want to close, you feel as if you can’t breathe.
And nothing you do can change this. You try to change the station on the radio, or you turn it off.
Silence often helps.
This is a panic/anxiety attack. This is what happens when after 20 + years of MS you’re terrified to get behind the wheel. When there are only certain roads you can drive without the fear and bile rising within your throat due the fact that when you took them before you had flares.
This is life with MS.
Or rather…this is just a snapshot. This is a snapshot of my life. My life which used to seem so easy. Which has become so complex that I’m afraid to drive outside of my comfort zone that consists of the several blocks around my house. This is where things get so painful.
Imagine trying to leave your house to run a simple errand only you just can’t. It’s near impossible without that strange feeling beginning in your throat and your chest. Lately hitting red lights sends me into an absolute panic. There are certain main roads around here where when at a red light you’re on an incline. Because of this I’ve figured out ways to get around them & take short cuts. Just to avoid being stuck in that position. Again, this is just a snapshot.
And why the denial for disability was so heartbreaking. I was thankful however when my attorney’s office explained that an initial denial was almost the normal & that we had to appeal. Just last week I filled out those papers and sent them in. Next week I meet with a psychiatrist for the first time. I’m at the point where I need to do something to relieve the fears & anxiety that have been such a huge part of who I’ve been lately. Or rather, a detrimental part.
During all this I was fighting with the insurance & the pharmacy regarding the dosage issue with my Tecfidera. In case you don’t remember, I was on it for a short while last summer. Then I had the side effects that no one was supposed to have. Or rather, just the small minority. As my neurologist has now realized, if it’s a minor side effect I’m going to have it. Such as my colon going into distress after a couple of days on the high dosage. I’ve been off for nearly a year. It took this long to get us to agree I need to be on SOMETHING. I no longer have a choice. My once extremely passive MS has suddenly decided it wants to torture me. Which also makes me want to kick myself many times for not fulfilling many life dreams ahead of time. I’m working on trying to get things accomplished before the MS decides to go even more ballistic.
To make a long(sorry, VERY long) story short, after several months of insurance fighting the prescription being lowered to just one 120 a day(which is minimal) to give me a chance to adjust, they finally gave in two weeks ago. To say this argument was draining would be an understatement. It was a good deal of my depression the last few months. I spent at least an hour a day on the phone daily for 4 months with insurance or my doctor’s office. Who knew going on a lower dose would be so trying.
Ok, so we’re here. It’s all done. Just need to continue with the disability hurdle.
There have been other things going on, but I refuse to make this “the most depressing blog post ever”.
I’ll save it for a couple of days from now. At least that will bring my average of posting up from every few months to every few days.