This week has been a strange blur.
First, I’m dealing with the fact that I’m back here. Here. Writing. Trying to put myself out there. Even if it is just for me, or for the few who actually bother to read what I have to say. Still, I’m doing what I need to do.
This week has been strange. Emotional. Physical.
The holiday being in the middle of the week threw me, and my family, off. Nothing has been normal. Add the full moon tonight, a power which I strongly believe in, and my energy and my output and emotions have been thrown all over the place.
Let me start with this: With the longtime MS I’ve had physical limitations. And over the last two years they’ve been more intense than usual, partially due to my mental/emotional issues/responses to the MS. My anxiety and depression being so deadening I found myself spending a good part of the year curled into a ball in bed or on the couch when the youngest was at school. I lost a good portion of who I was. This year was my worst. It was late spring when I slowly, but surely started to climb out of this. I’m still climbing. And this summer, knowing that summer is usually my roughest time of year, I’m actually doing fairly well, considering.
Anyways, with these issues, I gained weight. My legs became weaker. My legs have always been a huge issue with my MS. They were one of the first indications I had MS. Years before I was officially diagnosed. Sometimes they feel like dead weights. But late spring I forced myself to get up and start walking. I would push myself till I could start walking to meet the kid at school a few blocks away. While to most of you out there, you’re thinking “I can do this any day”. For those of us with decades of a neurological illness that affects every aspect of your daily being, your daily movement, to fall into this type of trap and eventual ability to crawl out of it, is monumental.
As I said in my initial “I’m Back”, there is a lot I could go into regarding the hell I’ve been through with the MS the last couple of years, but I’m not going to drop it all here and now.
The weight gain isn’t huge, but for me it is. I’m not who I remember, yet at the same time I’ve come to love myself a lot more now, in my nearly late 40’s, than I ever did in my 20’s or 30’s. I’ve come to understand that my body has its moments, its limitations, and it’s still worth being here. I have a spouse who loves me. Who doesn’t mind that I’m not perfect. I’m not a waif. I was, back in my 20’s and early 30’s when I was post divorce and smoked my brains out.
When I was a size 2/4/6 I pushed myself hard. I was a smoker. I smoked because it was for the most part, what I was taught was the way to keep my weight down. It’s been 12 years now. Since I quit. I don’t talk about this often. I’ve had my few moments where I’ve had one in serious times of stress. Every couple of years. There was the time 11 got her head stuck in the railing(age 4) and the fire department had to pry her out. The time my AC died and we were fairly broke at the time and it cost and arm and a leg. And I had to take the kids to my mother’s. My brother was there and he handed me one on the porch and I didn’t blink. I knew better and felt worse the next day.
May I add that I took myself to the immediate care this week to rule out a blood clot in my leg due to serious pain? I knew I was being dramatic. That the pain was me and the new workout routine aggravating a former muscle tear. After two hours and an ultrasound, I was right. But it was worth the peace of mind. Also, never Google leg pain. Ever.
Also, late night fights with glasses are rough. The winner is usually undetermined. Especially when the amount of wine drunk is a catalyst.