Tag Archives: anxiety

Here it Goes

The last few months have been eventful.

Or rather at the same time, not enough.

Not enough to write about.

I’ve preferred to keep them close to the chest. Too much pain and confusion. Too much hurt.

See, I’ve been going through the worst depression of my life. Yet, I’ve done little to deal with it.

By now most people would have been to see a doctor and had a prescription given to them I’m wary. While I know that some work and they certainly work for my son to a certain degree, I am also acutely aware of how I want to feel and after all these years of feeling pain & confusion I’m not ready to rid myself of those emotions.

I’ve preferred to spend the last few months drowning, but coping. Helping my kids deal with whatever they were going through at school academically and with their peers. Just trying to be there for my husband through very exhausting and stressful times at work.


There has been the usual.

Of course.

My health issues are always here. They’ll never go away and sometimes they’ll get worse. And lately that’s been the case.

I do try to pretend they don’t exist. Hell this is what I’ve done for nearly two decades. Pretend they’re not here. However lately things have been an absolute mess and I know that they’re the reason for the increase in the depression/anxiety issues.

I could start with the disability filing.It’s exhausting. What you’re subjected to. How to explain to a psychologist in a very short amount of time how angry and miserable you are. And really, you don’t get that much of time to explain this.You don’t get to explain that you have decent days. However those good days are fleeting and you have several hours within those days without issue. But most of those days you’re so petrified of driving because your sight is a mess, and because well, you can’t explain why but you’re driving home from the grocery store & your chest constricts. And the next thing you know you’re gripping your steering wheel, you notice that your feet are tingling, your eyes want to close, you feel as if you can’t breathe.

And nothing you do can change this. You try to change the station on the radio, or you turn it off.

Silence often helps.

This is a panic/anxiety attack. This is what happens when after 20 + years of MS you’re terrified to get behind the wheel. When there are only certain roads you can drive without the fear and bile rising within your throat due the fact that when you took them before you had flares.

This is life with MS.

Or rather…this is just a snapshot. This is a snapshot of my life. My life which used to seem so easy. Which has become so complex that I’m afraid to drive outside of my comfort zone that consists of the several blocks around my house. This is where things get so painful.

Imagine trying to leave your house to run a simple errand only you just can’t. It’s near impossible without that strange feeling beginning in your throat and your chest. Lately hitting red lights sends me into an absolute panic. There are certain main roads around here where when at a red light you’re on an incline. Because of this I’ve figured out ways to get around them & take short cuts. Just to avoid being stuck in that position. Again, this is just a snapshot.

And why the denial for disability was so heartbreaking. I was thankful however when my attorney’s office explained that an initial denial was almost the normal & that we had to appeal. Just last week I filled out those papers and sent them in. Next week I meet with a psychiatrist for the first time. I’m at the point where I need to do something to relieve the fears & anxiety that have been such a huge part of who I’ve been lately. Or rather, a detrimental part.

During all this I was fighting with the insurance & the pharmacy regarding the dosage issue with my Tecfidera. In case you don’t remember, I was on it for a short while last summer. Then I had the side effects that no one was supposed to have. Or rather, just the small minority. As my neurologist has now realized, if it’s a minor side effect I’m going to have it. Such as my colon going into distress after a couple of days on the high dosage. I’ve been off for nearly a year. It took this long to get us to agree I need to be on SOMETHING. I no longer have a choice. My once extremely passive MS has suddenly decided it wants to torture me. Which also makes me want to kick myself many times for not fulfilling many life dreams ahead of time. I’m working on trying to get things accomplished before the MS decides to go even more ballistic.

To make a long(sorry, VERY long) story short, after several months of insurance fighting the prescription being lowered to just one 120 a day(which is minimal) to give me a chance to adjust, they finally gave in two weeks ago. To say this argument was draining would be an understatement. It was a good deal of my depression the last few months. I spent at least an hour a day on the phone daily for 4 months with insurance or my doctor’s office. Who knew going on a lower dose would be so trying.

Deep breathes.

Ok, so we’re here. It’s all done. Just need to continue with the disability hurdle.

There have been other things going on, but I refuse to make this “the most depressing blog post ever”.

I’ll save it for a couple of days from now. At least that will bring my average of posting up from every few months to every few days.

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My Other Car is a Tardis

(Updated-See Below)

Two days ago I was driving through my town, and stopped in front of me was a car with this bumper sticker on it. I started laughing hysterically in the car leaving both of my children  to wonder what in the world was wrong with their mother.

All my life I’ve either been very early to the party or very late. This time around I received the invitation, I inspected it, threw it aside because I was busy, and then once I got to the party  extremely late realized why it was so incredibly fun.

This is my analogy of me and Doctor Who. I’m that person. That person who knew of it, saw a couple episodes here and there but never gave it a chance due to other commitments.

Then I was bored one day, flipped on Netflix and said screw it, I’m going to watch it. So I started with the reboot of 2005 with the 9th Doctor. Its stars were Christopher Eccleston, who sadly I can only equate with Jude in which he starred in with Kate Winslet years ago, which disturbed me immensely at the time. And Billie Piper, who having seen her on Diary of  Call Girl on Showtime a couple of years ago,  I’m very happy she has since fired her stylist post Doctor Who.

I was hooked. Immediately. There was no feeling it out like often there is with certain shows, first episode in I was beyond excitable.  Now I’m just at the tail end of this season. A couple more episodes to go. I’ve heard so many fabulous things about the David Tennant(and especially the Matt Smith, which I’ve heard nothing but positively beautiful things about) seasons but I’m determined to stick it out and go episode to episode rather than jump ahead.  Unfortunately this may take a while as I rarely have the TV to myself, or rather the time to sit watching episodes back to back. Though I suspect I will try to make the time while the kids are at school. The best part of all of this is that I have my 15 yr old hooked on the show. Makes me a proud mom.

Back in high school my friend Hollie was a huge fan of the show, I’m talking the 60’s through early 80’s version. I remember being at her house and her trying to get me to the watch the show with her. I tried but my mind was elsewhere at the time.  I’m kicking myself a bit now wishing I had actually watched those episodes with her.

I’ve always been a huge fantasy/sci fi geek so this makes a whole hell of a lot of sense. I just love to pick up on things later than the average human being.

On another note,  life has been a little frustrating the past week. Or rather frustrating/enlightening.

So last I wrote I was having all these issues with my MS.  That won’t change, how I try to manage that I believe will. I’m trying to instill some immediate changes. One of which is thanks to the mind of my 6 yr old. She’s decided that I need to walk to her school to pick her up each day after school.  I was resistant at first. My legs have awesome days where I can dance, run, and do whatever is necessary to get through the day. And then there are days they’re a bit off. It’s just the nature of the illness. I decided to give it a chance and you know what I realized? I’m stronger then I thought I was. I started walking each day  this week to get her. And not just to get her, but each morning after dropping her off I would walk the dog for a little less than a mile. I know this sounds lazy to some, but if you’ve never experienced this bitch of an illness I’ll tell you right now that’s a fucking massive accomplishment to many of us MS’rs. There are some days where getting up is a milestone.

As  I’ve walked each day I’ve felt better. Some of the depression and anxiety that had been taking hold the past several months seemed to let go a little. My kids are off of school for a few days due to conferences and Columbus Day. I decided to push the 6 yr old to a long bike ride(her) and walk(me).  She loved it and I admit it felt amazing to put my legs out there again.  She kept riding so far ahead of me, teasing me, saying ” you’re never going to catch me” that I would have to run after her. And each step I took felt better then the last.

I made a pact with her when we got home that now until it snows that unless we have bad weather I will walk to get her and we’d walk home from school.

Four years ago I did the MS walk. I was living in Oak Park at the time and the closest neighborhood to us that was doing it is the one I just happen to live in now. I remember walking about 4 miles that day. And feeling amazing. I said that day that I would do this every year until one day my legs completely fail me. Sadly there were a couple things that got in the way the last couple years, but after the hell I’ve been through with these legs this past year I didn’t realize how much I took them for granted.

So this next May I’m doing the walk again. As much of it as I can.

On the MRI front- Insurance wouldn’t approve it unless I saw the Dr. The Dr. said she’d try to fight for me but that it would be impossible since she hadn’t seen me in so long. She also went on to tell me(via phone) that  she didn’t see why I wanted one considering the fact that I’m still so anti-medication. Even seeing me for an office visit would be a waste of my time.

Try to picture my facial features at this time because let me tell you I was sucking my cheeks in and my eyes were bugging out of my head. I was a bit pissed off. I mean I am allowed to come in for a long overdue checkup as a patient am I not correct? There’s no need to make me feel like something less than.

I was angry but said fine, we’d discuss them.  I made the appointment. And then made the MRI appointment for a few days following.

Then things came up this week. So I had to cancel them. And the reality is, she’s right. I’m not going to go on any of the ABC drugs or any of the new ones such as Tysabri or Rebif. I don’t dig the side effects. I know this is controversial, so I’ll stay there for now. I’ve gone 20 years with very little medication and I’m hoping to go many more without them.

(Update-I received a letter from my insurance company this afternoon. They went ahead and approved the MRI’s. So I don’t need to see the Dr to take them. So now I get to reschedule them for this week. I just want to see where things are with the lesions, which is why I’m so determined to get them)

The crappiest part of last week was realizing that with all the weakness I was experiencing , I canceled my  dance/burlesque classes. I seriously cried that morning when I decided that waking up early and rushing to a train each Saturday morning was going to be hard on my already taxed system.  As you probably read I was looking so forward to these classes. I couldn’t wait. But I knew I couldn’t do it until I was able to repair my system and my body.

I emailed the owner of the company and explained what was going on. I knew they didn’t offer refunds. So I figured I’d take some time to heal and take the class in the winter. She however emailed me back a couple hours later completely understanding and wished me good health, and said she would refund me immediately. And she did.

And for that I’m grateful. I felt like I gave up a dream when I canceled the class.

However,  I’ve decided to get back to some basics and that starts with getting myself healthy , or rather stronger and then trying again once I can. Which I know with my determination won’t take long.

Over the last few years I think I gave up and just tried to get by. Now I know that’s not good enough. I can be either the most outgoing and determined, or the most complacent human being alive. For now I’m reverting to that determined part.

I want to work on the strength I had before this illness started kicking my ass a bit. I may have good days, I may have bad.

Stay with me.

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