I’m back. For now.
The last three years has been eventful and at times, not so much.
It’s been equal parts exploration and misery.
The MS hit a point that it’s never hit before and it caused me to stop driving. Period. Nothing. Nada. Nope. 18 months ago.
I’m still on the precipice of starting over. Only in the last two months have I tried. It’s been…ok.
Much of this was caused by a severe uptick in anxiety. Most of it due to my MS. My vision issues bite. Primarily social anxiety.
I’ve always dealt with not always fitting in with others, though usually I would find those who stood on the outside, just on the very outside, just like me, that I could be friends with. This town however, it broke me. It broke someone like me. It’s good at breaking people because of who you have to be on a regular basis, but I could never and will nor want to, fit in. Therefore, I’ve been a prime target by other parents.
There it is. Parenting is a bitch when you aren’t custom made, custom ordered. When you don’t try to be everything for everyone else. And you god forbid, have tattoos and fight against the normal. Listen to music that can’t be found in the top 50, and understand the ways of others that think outside the box, who might deal with feelings in ways unorthodox to you. In a town so dead set on being normal that if your daughter doesn’t wear the right brand of underwear she’s an outcast.
I won’t abide by this. I never thought I would. I grew up in a town similar to this. It’s where I lost myself. Where I realized I would never be what my family wanted me to be. Despite the traumas I experienced that I never asked for. Not that anyone ever asks for any traumas. This I’ll go into as time goes on.
I’ve chosen to keep this off social media this time around. I’m not looking for the hits. I just need the output, the ability to write my feelings out. I had to start seeing a therapist on a regular basis this past year and she’s finally sussed out that my problems with feeling dead inside sometimes has to do with my family and especially what I dealt with growing up in the town I did. The abuse I experienced emotionally and mentally from family and friends. From expectations. Why the past year I’ve kept a serious distance from most of my family.
I know this is the most depressing “Hello” you might read, however this is what it is. I promise, it won’t always be this dark, but for me, some days it will be.