I’m getting to a point where I don’t care about this place anymore. Not this world. But this blog.
The last ten days have been absolute murder. I’ve seriously been to hell and back and while in some ways it was for the best(life changes can be good despite their awful beginnings), there were others that just make me feel like I’m on a merry-go-round that just will not stop. I have serious motion sickness so this really isn’t cool anymore. Plus I’m afraid of heights.
My son is in turmoil again.It’s shown up at home, and lately at school. Emails from his teacher saying they need to talk are not good ways to start your day. She called me to say that everyone was concerned he was depressed lately. She also noted he was sick(he had a horrible cold) and please keep him home the next day . I did. And we talked a bit about what was wrong. He admitted he felt anxious. So I put him to work with me. We cleaned out his room which looked like a bomb hit it. Our cleaning out his room from one end to another seemed to ease his anxiety just a “little” bit.
However it’s been hard watching him float by each day knowing that something isn’t quite right. I can’t figure it out and he isn’t even sure what it is that has him feeling off. He just knows he’s feeling off. It kills me. It really does. Here’s this kid that I swore my life to protect and help grow from the day I knew he was coming feel so much pain, yet I feel so helpless to do what I promised him. I can’t be inside his head or his heart. In so many ways I know that I failed him as he grew up. After his father and I split I know that I hurt him. Not intentionally.
There are days still(so many years later) that I think that much of what is wrong with him is my fault. I know this is what every parent thinks when they divorce, move on, when their child goes through all of their growing pains. You take on the world when you have children. Sometimes you try to step back and let them figure things out on their own, hoping that you can catch them when they fall, when they let you know they need you. Often as they’re at the age my son is, you just sit by waiting for that signal. You hope you get there just in time. For so long people have picked on him, hit him, called him names or just plain excluded him.
There have been so many high-profile cases of bullying that resulted in suicides that it sets my hair on end. The latest is the Amanda Todd story. I cried so hard reading it last night I couldn’t stop. When you watch your own child go through hell and seem to come out of it, but still feel so alone, these stories make you feel like you aren’t quite out of the woods just yet. You hope and pray each day that you can help your child realize their worth so that this never happens. That you never have to feel the anguish her parents felt.
The bullying has stopped. For now. Thankfully. But he still doesn’t have friends. He doesn’t know how to communicate with other kids his age. With adults he’s as eloquent as could be. They love him.
I don’t know if suicide is something I need to be worried about. However, I don’t know anymore what to do with him. One day he’s smiling and laughing and describing to me something he watched or read. The next he’s so angry at me for failing him and putting a hole in my wall. Within hours of that he’s hugging me and crying telling me how much he loves me.
I know it seems like so much. It is. It makes my head and my heart spin on a daily basis. Sometimes I need to be tough on him, and when I am my heart hurts. Sometimes I know that all he needs is for me to put his arms around him and let him know “it’s ok”.
He’s not like everyone else. He feels and thinks differently. He wants to be like all the other kids his age. And sometimes he is.
Sometimes he isn’t. And that’s ok. Because if we were all alike, this world would be a very boring place.
I’m trying to sort through this the last week. My decisions and reactions may not have been the best. However I know I love this kid something fierce. I want to see him grow up to succeed, but most of all to be able to take care of himself and find his way. Maybe find someone who loves him the way I do. Maybe even more than I do, if that’s possible.
I don’t know what I want.
I just know this kid deserves more of a chance in life then what he started off with.