Monthly Archives: October 2012

Raising Charlie

I’m getting to a point where I don’t care about this place anymore. Not this world. But this blog.

The last ten days have been absolute murder. I’ve seriously been to hell and back and while in some ways it was for the best(life changes can be good despite their awful beginnings), there were others that just make me feel like I’m on a merry-go-round that just will not stop. I have serious motion sickness so this really isn’t cool anymore. Plus I’m afraid of heights.

My son is in turmoil again.It’s shown up at home, and lately at school. Emails from his teacher saying they need to talk are not good ways to start your day. She called me to say that everyone was concerned he was depressed lately. She also noted he was sick(he had a horrible cold) and please keep him home the next day . I did. And we talked a bit about what was wrong. He admitted he felt anxious. So I put him to work with me. We cleaned out his room which looked like a bomb hit it. Our cleaning out his room from one end to another seemed to ease his anxiety just a “little” bit.

However it’s been hard watching him float by each day knowing that something isn’t quite right. I can’t figure it out and he isn’t even sure what it is that has him feeling off. He just knows he’s feeling off. It kills me. It really does. Here’s this kid that I swore my life to protect and help grow from the day I knew he was coming feel so much pain, yet I feel so helpless to do what I promised him. I can’t be inside his head or his heart. In so many ways I know that I failed him as he grew up. After his father and I split I know that I hurt him. Not intentionally.

There are days still(so many years later) that I think that much of what is wrong with him is my fault. I know this is what every parent thinks when they divorce, move on, when their child goes through all of their growing pains. You take on the world when you have children. Sometimes you try to step back and let them figure things out on their own, hoping that you can catch them when they fall, when they let you know they need you. Often as they’re at the age my son is, you just sit by waiting for that signal. You hope you get there just in time. For so long people have picked on him, hit him, called him names or just plain excluded him.

There have been so many high-profile cases of bullying that resulted in suicides that it sets my hair on end. The latest is the Amanda Todd story. I cried so hard reading it last night I couldn’t stop. When you watch your own child go through hell and seem to come out of it, but still feel so alone, these stories make you feel like you aren’t quite out of the woods just yet. You hope and pray each day that you can help your child realize their worth so that this never happens. That you never have to feel the anguish her parents felt.

The bullying has stopped. For now. Thankfully. But he still doesn’t have friends. He doesn’t know how to communicate with other kids his age. With adults he’s as eloquent as could be. They love him.

I don’t know if suicide is something I need to be worried about. However, I don’t know anymore what to do with him. One day he’s smiling and laughing and describing to me something he watched or read. The next he’s so angry at me for failing him and putting a hole in my wall. Within hours of that he’s hugging me and crying telling me how much he loves me.

I know it seems like so much. It is. It makes my head and my heart spin on a daily basis. Sometimes I need to be tough on him, and when I am my heart hurts. Sometimes I know that all he needs is for me to put his arms around him and let him know “it’s ok”.

He’s not like everyone else. He feels and thinks differently. He wants to be like all the other kids his age. And sometimes he is.

Sometimes he isn’t. And that’s ok. Because if we were all alike, this world would be a very boring place.

I’m trying to sort through this the last week. My decisions and reactions may not have been the best. However I know I love this kid something fierce. I want to see him grow up to succeed, but most of all to be able to take care of himself and find his way. Maybe find someone who loves him the way I do. Maybe even more than I do, if that’s possible.

I don’t know what I want.

I just know this kid deserves more of a chance in life then what he started off with.


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My Other Car is a Tardis

(Updated-See Below)

Two days ago I was driving through my town, and stopped in front of me was a car with this bumper sticker on it. I started laughing hysterically in the car leaving both of my children  to wonder what in the world was wrong with their mother.

All my life I’ve either been very early to the party or very late. This time around I received the invitation, I inspected it, threw it aside because I was busy, and then once I got to the party  extremely late realized why it was so incredibly fun.

This is my analogy of me and Doctor Who. I’m that person. That person who knew of it, saw a couple episodes here and there but never gave it a chance due to other commitments.

Then I was bored one day, flipped on Netflix and said screw it, I’m going to watch it. So I started with the reboot of 2005 with the 9th Doctor. Its stars were Christopher Eccleston, who sadly I can only equate with Jude in which he starred in with Kate Winslet years ago, which disturbed me immensely at the time. And Billie Piper, who having seen her on Diary of  Call Girl on Showtime a couple of years ago,  I’m very happy she has since fired her stylist post Doctor Who.

I was hooked. Immediately. There was no feeling it out like often there is with certain shows, first episode in I was beyond excitable.  Now I’m just at the tail end of this season. A couple more episodes to go. I’ve heard so many fabulous things about the David Tennant(and especially the Matt Smith, which I’ve heard nothing but positively beautiful things about) seasons but I’m determined to stick it out and go episode to episode rather than jump ahead.  Unfortunately this may take a while as I rarely have the TV to myself, or rather the time to sit watching episodes back to back. Though I suspect I will try to make the time while the kids are at school. The best part of all of this is that I have my 15 yr old hooked on the show. Makes me a proud mom.

Back in high school my friend Hollie was a huge fan of the show, I’m talking the 60’s through early 80’s version. I remember being at her house and her trying to get me to the watch the show with her. I tried but my mind was elsewhere at the time.  I’m kicking myself a bit now wishing I had actually watched those episodes with her.

I’ve always been a huge fantasy/sci fi geek so this makes a whole hell of a lot of sense. I just love to pick up on things later than the average human being.

On another note,  life has been a little frustrating the past week. Or rather frustrating/enlightening.

So last I wrote I was having all these issues with my MS.  That won’t change, how I try to manage that I believe will. I’m trying to instill some immediate changes. One of which is thanks to the mind of my 6 yr old. She’s decided that I need to walk to her school to pick her up each day after school.  I was resistant at first. My legs have awesome days where I can dance, run, and do whatever is necessary to get through the day. And then there are days they’re a bit off. It’s just the nature of the illness. I decided to give it a chance and you know what I realized? I’m stronger then I thought I was. I started walking each day  this week to get her. And not just to get her, but each morning after dropping her off I would walk the dog for a little less than a mile. I know this sounds lazy to some, but if you’ve never experienced this bitch of an illness I’ll tell you right now that’s a fucking massive accomplishment to many of us MS’rs. There are some days where getting up is a milestone.

As  I’ve walked each day I’ve felt better. Some of the depression and anxiety that had been taking hold the past several months seemed to let go a little. My kids are off of school for a few days due to conferences and Columbus Day. I decided to push the 6 yr old to a long bike ride(her) and walk(me).  She loved it and I admit it felt amazing to put my legs out there again.  She kept riding so far ahead of me, teasing me, saying ” you’re never going to catch me” that I would have to run after her. And each step I took felt better then the last.

I made a pact with her when we got home that now until it snows that unless we have bad weather I will walk to get her and we’d walk home from school.

Four years ago I did the MS walk. I was living in Oak Park at the time and the closest neighborhood to us that was doing it is the one I just happen to live in now. I remember walking about 4 miles that day. And feeling amazing. I said that day that I would do this every year until one day my legs completely fail me. Sadly there were a couple things that got in the way the last couple years, but after the hell I’ve been through with these legs this past year I didn’t realize how much I took them for granted.

So this next May I’m doing the walk again. As much of it as I can.

On the MRI front- Insurance wouldn’t approve it unless I saw the Dr. The Dr. said she’d try to fight for me but that it would be impossible since she hadn’t seen me in so long. She also went on to tell me(via phone) that  she didn’t see why I wanted one considering the fact that I’m still so anti-medication. Even seeing me for an office visit would be a waste of my time.

Try to picture my facial features at this time because let me tell you I was sucking my cheeks in and my eyes were bugging out of my head. I was a bit pissed off. I mean I am allowed to come in for a long overdue checkup as a patient am I not correct? There’s no need to make me feel like something less than.

I was angry but said fine, we’d discuss them.  I made the appointment. And then made the MRI appointment for a few days following.

Then things came up this week. So I had to cancel them. And the reality is, she’s right. I’m not going to go on any of the ABC drugs or any of the new ones such as Tysabri or Rebif. I don’t dig the side effects. I know this is controversial, so I’ll stay there for now. I’ve gone 20 years with very little medication and I’m hoping to go many more without them.

(Update-I received a letter from my insurance company this afternoon. They went ahead and approved the MRI’s. So I don’t need to see the Dr to take them. So now I get to reschedule them for this week. I just want to see where things are with the lesions, which is why I’m so determined to get them)

The crappiest part of last week was realizing that with all the weakness I was experiencing , I canceled my  dance/burlesque classes. I seriously cried that morning when I decided that waking up early and rushing to a train each Saturday morning was going to be hard on my already taxed system.  As you probably read I was looking so forward to these classes. I couldn’t wait. But I knew I couldn’t do it until I was able to repair my system and my body.

I emailed the owner of the company and explained what was going on. I knew they didn’t offer refunds. So I figured I’d take some time to heal and take the class in the winter. She however emailed me back a couple hours later completely understanding and wished me good health, and said she would refund me immediately. And she did.

And for that I’m grateful. I felt like I gave up a dream when I canceled the class.

However,  I’ve decided to get back to some basics and that starts with getting myself healthy , or rather stronger and then trying again once I can. Which I know with my determination won’t take long.

Over the last few years I think I gave up and just tried to get by. Now I know that’s not good enough. I can be either the most outgoing and determined, or the most complacent human being alive. For now I’m reverting to that determined part.

I want to work on the strength I had before this illness started kicking my ass a bit. I may have good days, I may have bad.

Stay with me.

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