I don’t even know what to say. I haven’t been myself lately. It’s getting worse and worse.

I went from having very few flares for years to having way too many in one year. Summer was ridiculous.

And since summer I haven’t felt like me. When both kids were in school full-time this fall I should have had all this energy, used my time wisely to get all these projects around the house done that I had been dreaming about doing for a year or two. I should have started working out at the gym several days a week like I had planned. No more excuses.  I was going to start planning the classes I wanted to take after christmas in library science at the local community college.

None of that  has happened. Most days I’m happy if I can manage to sweep the floors, vacuum and get the dishes put away. Maybe fold a couple of loads of laundry and pay the bills. This is aside from taking the kids to where they need to go after school. During the day I’ve just felt…nothing.

Of course there have been days where I have a decent amount of energy and get everything done that needs to be done. Most days however have looked like the above for the last six weeks. And it’s making me feel less of a person.

The MS has been weird. It’s not that I have worsening symptoms, it just seems like it’s brought upon this new symptom I’ve never had with it before: Apathy. Depression. Severe Fatigue.

I’ve read about them. I know that there are so many others like me who have experienced these. I just haven’t until now. And I get it now. I spend way too much of my time crying over nothing. It just happens. These spontaneous tears.

My legs are always cold. Not in the ” I need to wear pants” cold, but “they feel dead to me” cold. Sometimes they feel heavy. Today I made myself walk the dog a few blocks. Despite the fact that it felt like I was dragging around two 50 lb weights instead of just moving my feet. I could barely make the four blocks. I wanted to go to sleep. Which I did do when I came home. It lasted about fifteen minutes, on the couch. And wasn’t worth it.

I have constant pains that shoot through my left arm and hand. My eyes have been feeling off and sometimes I see purple or white spots. Not sure what that is. I forget things all the time. I feel like everything I need to take care of requires a herculean amount of strength and energy. And often that makes me not want to do them.

I try. Don’t get me wrong I try. I like to keep my house clean. It doesn’t have to perfect(son’s room-I’ve stopped fighting him) but I don’t like a lot of clutter or dust. However I’ve lost interest in trying to make it super clean like I used to. I’m trying to adopt the attitude that sometimes you just have to let things be and live life. Or take naps on the couch.

Everybody is fed and clean. Bills are paid and homework is done. But for me, I’m done with me.

I broke down and called the neuro last week. I haven’t seen or talked to her in almost a year and a half. I have an aversion to dr’s these days, mainly due to how they always seem to want to be paid.

They scheduled an appt with me for two weeks from now. Then when the dr heard I was coming in and why(I happened to mention that pesky issue of an extreme amount of flares in the past year) she had them call me back to say she wants MRI’s done NOW and as soon as they are done she will fit me in. Okee.

So after dealing with some silly scheduling issues I’m getting those done this week. Happy freaking Birthday to me! Yes, it’s my birthday this week. And I have zero interest in celebrating it. Tuesday birthdays just seem wrong.

I’m a bit nervous. Never have been with MRI’s before. My mother asked me today why the hell I needed to get them done, after all they’re just going to confirm I have the MS. I tried not to roll my eyes while on the phone with her(though I was a bit pissed after hanging up), and tried to explain that sometimes other things can show up on these MRI’s. Maybe something that could also explain the horrible migraines I’ve been having. Or why sometimes my hips/lower back suddenly feel out of whack. It’s necessary. And I haven’t had them in a long time.

And because I’m curious to see if my lesions have increased. Because if they haven’t after all this I’m going to be REALLY fucking surprised.

I’ll see the doc early next week. And the following week I get to see my regular dr for a checkup and to discuss why I don’t get along with pretty much any food anymore. Apparently my stomach has gotten in on the attack and is pissed most of the time.

The crappiest part out of all of this is my classes start this saturday. I might cancel them. I sat down this morning crying because I’m tired of one day waking up feeling fine and the next day feeling like I was hit by a truck. J is trying to talk me out of this, he wants me to give it a couple more days and maybe my lack of sleep lately has a lot to do with this(the insomnia issues). He might be right. But I keep feeling that maybe I need to wait until I’m a bit more stable physically/emotionally. Because right now the physical has given way to the emotional. Which I absolutely despise.

I don’t know we’ll see, I’m giving it two more days.  I was looking forward to these for so long. I know deep down if I did cancel them I’d be angry at myself later, so I’m going to attempt this sleep thing all week and hope that come saturday morning I’ll be on a train into the city.

I’ll let you know next week when I come back with the results from my MRI. Wish me luck.


1 Comment

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One response to “Short-Circuited

  1. Cristin

    Jen, First, sorry you are feeling bad on your birthday! You love your birthday! Second, have you ever heard of Landmark Forum? I did it last wekeend and it changed my life. I saw a lot of places where my rackets (excuses) were keeping me from being where I want to be in life. Keeping me in bed, keeping me from participating in my own life. I’d love for you to have what I have! It would be a great birthday present to yourself!

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